How can anyone love you if you don’t love yourself first? It is trite, it is a cliché, and it is annoying when someone says it to you. If someone you respect and trust says this to you, take pause and listen to what they have to say. They have made this statement for a reason.

Thoughts are real. Thoughts are things. What we think about ourselves comes across to others without us realizing it. Another oft quoted phrase, as a man thinks, so is he. That is why it is important to take a personal inventory one’s feelings before setting out to accomplish tasks, achieve goals or start a relationship.

 When we don’t love ourselves, it is an indicator of low self-esteem. When our self-esteem is low, we don’t care for ourselves properly, we don’t interact with others in a confident manner, we allow others to mistreat us. We enter a downward, negative spiral and get so low, we don’t know how to recover.

Stop the negative spiral by focusing on the positive.

There are ways to stop that negative spiral and start moving in the right direction. First is to acknowledge your feelings but don’t give them so much space that they take root. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, Writing to Heal Pain, take stock in yourself and write at least ten positive things about your character. Make a list of things you are proud that you have accomplished. Make another list of challenges you have overcome.

Next, ask someone very close to you to objectively list positive characteristics about you and what they most admire about you. It is surprising to learn how others view you. This is a very uplifting experience and something you can refer back to when you might not feel that good about yourself. 

Give yourself time along each day to sort through your feelings.

If there are people in your life that are causing you to feel bad about yourself, redefining the relationships and setting healthy boundaries is a crucial step to enter a place where you can love yourself. If you feel that you cannot do this alone, then have a neutral third-party present to help facilitate meaningful dialogue. There are rare occasions where the best course of action is to disengage from the person causing you pain.

Give yourself time alone each day to sort through your feelings and emotions. It is easy to get caught up in day-to-day activities where you don’t have time to be by yourself with your thoughts. Getting in touch with your feelings and concentrating on things that nourish your mind, body and soul is essential. 

Building your self-esteem can put you on the path to first, loving yourself.

Learn to say no. No is a complete sentence and it does not require you to give any additional explanation as to the reason you are saying no to someone or something. When we say yes, all the time, it makes us feel like a doormat. Use discernment – rely on your gut – to tell you when to say yes and when to say no.

Meeting with a professional may be a wise solution. Someone looking at your situation from the outside in and teaching you tools to build your self-esteem can put you on the path to first, loving yourself.